Jokesss

folks these ain't my thoughts, I found them on the net and I thought I may add them on my blog just to have some laugh

MONKEY IN THE PLANE
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!
No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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MEANING OF SOME WORDS
So long I never realize I don't know the real
Meaning of family..........
Here Is The Answer ...........
FAMILY Means
Father
And
Mother
I I
Love
You
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WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because:
Washing
Ironing
Food
Entertainment
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WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
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Do you know that a simple "HELLO" can be a sweet one?
specially from your love one. (I mean not only from the boyfriend/girlfriend).
The word HELLO means :
(H)ow are you?
(E)verything all right?
(L)ike to hear from you
(L)ove to see you soon!
(O)bviously, I miss you...

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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that
work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."--------------------------------------------------------------

Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother,
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered,
'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
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Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So she tells her husband the very next morning,
that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
none of them confirmed that she was with them.


Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that
he stayed at their apartments that night and
another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!
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A lady asks her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, 'Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?'
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.
'Where the hell have you been?
''Well, honey, it's like this.
I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.
''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... 'You're a liar!You were playing pool again!'

[grab from da Internet]